A Slap on The Face

Lately I have been feeling disconnected with my body. With my skin to be exact. My vitiligo is popping out everywhere. A white patch has started to appear on my chin. Now I have rash all over my arms. I am trying to stay calm, but truth be told, I am freaking out.

First of all, I have vitiligo. "Vitiligo is a skin condition in which there is a loss of brown color (pigment) from areas of skin, resulting in irregular white patches that feel like normal skin. Vitiligo appears to occur when immune cells destroy the cells that produce brown pigment (melanocytes). This destruction is thought to be due to an autoimmune problem, but the cause is unknown." (PubMed Health)

I was diagnosed with vitiligo around 2 years ago. I did some treatments, but never vigorously. I did laser treatment and decided to stop it after almost 2 months because it was pretty expensive and I did not see any sign of my white patches re-pigmenting. I did some homeopathy treatment and it also failed to arrest my vitiligo, hence the white patch on my face.

I turn to yoga for a sense of calmness and mindfulness because it is also said that vitiligo can also occur in people with emotional stress. I fell in love with yoga and I try to practice calmness in my everyday life. But still, I feel disconnected with my body. I am not unhappy, I am not depressed, but my body is showing every sign of the contrary. I feel like crying everytime I see the white patch on my face, because of all places on my body, I have always been hardly rejecting the thought of my vitiligo appearing on my face. Because when that happens, I have to really live with it. It scares the hell out of me.

It is like a constant battle with myself now. I feel like breaking down and toughen up at the same time. I feel like bursting into tears and wanting desperately to radiate a sincere smile at the same time. I feel like hating my vitiligo, but I know it will not lead me to anything good. I feel like getting angry at my situation, but I know that a lot of people are living in much worse condition and that I would be disrespecting them to nag about mine. I feel like pitying myself, but I know that I should feel grateful for still having really great things happening in my life.

I just need a moment. I need to freaking relax and not freaking out.

Screw it, I am freaking out!