It's been almost a year since I finished my yoga training. I've been teaching and practicing, at the same time also questioning and hesitating. I think I learned a lot more after finishing the training. It has not always been easy. Most days I struggle with my self and the thoughts I have.
Taking the yoga training was like taking a huge gigantic step towards self discoveries. It opened pandora box and some of the things inside are just too damn huge for me, at least for the moment. We learned about anatomy, postures, poses, nutrition, and meditation, but more than that I learned about the things I guess I already knew. Choosing the high road, staying in the moment, attaching to nothing, embodying compassion, and seeing the Highest Self in myself and in everything and everyone, are some of those things.
Finishing the training meant that I was granted the knowledge about all that and left to choose to do or not do. I was granted the ability to see life and its glory in the simplest form and let me tell you, it is scary. It is scary to realize how simple everything actually is. That knowledge crushes ego, but not necessarily sets someone free, because letting go of ego is excruciatingly hard. I am still struggling, every single day.
It is hard to be unattached and not indifferent. It is hard to know the difference between the two. It is hard to see the Highest Self in people. It is hard to see the Highest Self in myself, because it is pure and divine. It is total bliss and unadulterated. It is hard to not pass judgment. That includes on myself, but most of the time on someone else. It is hard to not be self-righteous and just be compassionate. It is hard to believe that I have the potential to be divine and content. Knowing that everyone has the ability to self-suffice is scary, because that means I need nothing and no one to be content. The knowledge is scary, because now I cannot pretend that I do not know it. This knowledge is indeed power and one cannot just overlook it, because it eats you up from the inside.
Confusion is the name of the game and I'm playing it almost everyday. I guess that's OK, because at least I am doing something. At least I am making mistakes and listening to (or going against) the voice inside me. I'm sure this has turned into a very absurd blog post to some and I am deeply sorry for taking your time to read. I guess I'm writing to myself in the future, so that I will remember this day. This clear day among the hazy confusing ones.
That is it for today. I'm going to watch Bunheads on abcfamily.go.com now, because I'm just a mere mortal and shows about dancing (from the talented Amy Sherman-Palladino) makes me over-the-top happy.