Wednesday, June 22, 2016


I hate social media. Yet I'm attached to it like it is oxygen. I thought by not watching the news I'd be free of things that could bring me down, but being on social media is allowing the bad news to be brought to me on a silver platter. 

Of course this is my own fault. I can't blame Mark Zuckerberg for inventing Facebook or other people for creating Path and Instagram. I'm also not blaming those who are in my friends list for liking and sharing things that are not rainbows and puppies. I'm blaming no one but my self.

The news have been especially terrible lately. I know there's always bad things happening; wars, famine, people fleeing from their homes and being turned down by fellow humans, AIDS, cancer, and other shit-fests are always happening. Somebody somewhere is having the worst day of their life and somehow I'm still lucky enough that I'm still doing well. Grand, even. So I'm thankful for still being here and moving and loving and just living.

But still, I found myself trying to simply breathe this morning because I felt suffocated. It's like one bad news after another keeps coming our way. And people are angry and terrified and suspicious and tired. I'm all of those things and more.

I still can't believe that there was another mass shooting. I still can't believe that an individual could come into a place, took out his machine gun, and started shooting at everyone in that place. I still can't believe that hate and hate alone could do that. Heck, I still can't believe that Sandy Hook happened. I'm terrified for my daughter and my husband and myself. I feel like there's no safe place if people could get killed at schools, places of worship, movie theaters! For F's sake, what the hell is wrong with humans?

And while we're talking about humans, here's my two cents about how we treat animals. We suck! We, as a society, SUCK. How are we still putting animals in captivities for our own entertainment? How are we still letting wild animals get murdered and butchered? How are we even paying to see that said animals get exploited or cut to pieces for the sake of tourism and education? That is SICK! I know a lot of people would disagree with me on this and honestly, I don't care.

I feel so helpless. And it's infuriating!

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Sunday Morning at Its Best!

I did not realize how much time I had for myself before Lila came along. To think about the things I could easily do then make me smile now. Even grocery shopping or heck, going to the restroom, is tricky now. I had too much time for my own good then!

I am just going through the posts in this blog and reading every thing all over again. Don't get me wrong, I love Lila more than I love life itself and definitely more than this blog, but man do I miss writing and yoga. Not doing yoga at home with the aid of Youtube, but going to classes. More specifically, my teacher's yoga classes. I also miss teaching them.

Writing is something I can do just with a pen and paper. The part of writing I miss the most is the where I am alone with my laptop and music that can get me in the mood to write. Also those times in between writing where I could just gaze into nothing and let my head think (or go wild) in peace. Like now. Oh how I'm cherishing this moment. It's lacking coffee (because we ran out), but still this is a glorious time for me. Lila and Aris are still sleeping (because it's Sunday and it's 6.20 AM) and I have the house (aside from the bedroom) all for myself. Even the dogs are still too lazy to bug me. Any moment Lila can wake up and demand breakfast. But it hasn't happened and so I'm just enjoying this. This peace and quiet. This moment with my laptop and tunes that get me going.

Sunday morning at its best!

Friday, June 5, 2015


What a title. A bit scary, but I am going to write about it anyway, to document my truth today.

My Lila is now 6.5 months old. She is sitting and eating solids. She is rolling and kicking, grabbing and gnawing. She has the cutest laugh and the sweetest smile. Her eyes and nose scrunch when she smiles. And my heart melts. When she nurses, she looks at me with those beautiful black eyes. And my heart skips a beat. She would grab my glasses while she is nursing. She would play with my arm with her feet and toes. She would close her eyes and drift to sleep. My heart bounces and explodes with each milestone that she achieves. She is starting to take interest in the dogs. She loves petting Olive and always seem mesmerized by Trippy. She takes great selfies and loves seeing herself in the mirror.

She woke up on the floor this morning. She was not happy about it. She is having quite a miserable time with her eczema, but she is being a good sport and she stops scratching when I asks her to. She can be loud and demanding. She snapped at another baby today at Baby Time at the library because the other baby was poking me over and over again. She also freaked out when I left her at the Infant Center at the gym because I had a one hour appointment with a trainer. I cut the appointment short to 15 minutes. Lila was just not having it. What a spitfire, my Lila.

I still feel overwhelmed when I think of myself as a mother. I still can't comprehend that reality. It's weird, I know. I feel like I don't have any control over anything. I feel like each second I am struggling to do good. For her. I am struggling because I don't know if anything is good enough. If I'm good enough. I'm scared as hell. And that's the honest truth.

Now I get anxious about things I didn't know existed before. Like the various colors of baby poop. I mean I knew baby poop existed, but I did not know it came in various shades. Or the complexity of grocery shopping or having lunch with friends or arriving to my destination when my baby had just fell asleep. Oh my dear God, naps and sleep! Breastfeeding was not a breeze at the beginning and now I'm dealing with solids. And with that we are back to baby poop.

There is absolutely nothing glamorous about motherhood. It's messy, tiring, confusing, overwhelming, and scary. But then my Lila giggles. And then she reaches out to pet our dog. And then she looks at me and drool. And then my heart just burst. I thought I knew about love, but not until Lila that I realized I knew absolutely nothing. My love for her is so massive that it sometimes scares me. I could explode. I could stop breathing from the thought of something bad. Because an invisible boulder suddenly drops on my chest every time I see or read something bad or sad happens to someone's child. The dire need to always protect Lila is something I never knew could exist. My life has been completely altered. It is not even my own now. It's hers. And I don't mind.

Amidst the fear and panic and anxiety, motherhood has also taught me a thing or two. I'll be damned if don't come out of it a better person. Motherhood allows me to see and experience first hand life on the other side of the fence. I was always the person with no kids. I was the person who felt bad for people with crying babies and screaming toddlers, but glad I was not them. I was the person that knew more about parenting than those people with children. Now I realize that I didn't know anything. Motherhood is humbling. It brings me down to my knees and makes me admit defeat. On the other hand it has also taught me to lighten the hell up. I can get obsessive about things and now I realize that most of the time I'm just wasting my energy. But I guess the most important thing that motherhood has taught me is to be kinder and less judgmental, particularly towards other women, other parents.

It is hard enough to raise a human being without being judged. I don't want to be that a-hole who thinks she knows everything about everything and always has the need to speak out her personal beliefs and choices without being asked. That a-hole is annoying. So I'm trying hard to do good for Lila without thinking (out loud) that other mamas are not trying to do exactly the same thing for their spawns. Being a mother, now I know that we are all struggling in one way or another. NO ONE has it easy, no matter how effortless they make it look. Because we all start and end from one thing when it comes to our children: love. And that love is massive. So I will not be that a-hole who questions a woman's love for her child. I refuse to be her.

So far motherhood has mostly been interesting. I am surprisingly enjoying it. I never knew I wanted this until it is what I'm given. And now I can't even think of not having it. My Lila is a blessing. And I don't use that word lightly. This 13.5 lbs blessing is a constant source of awe and joy. I am blessed to be her mother. And this motherhood thing will get more familiar, I know. Until then, I am just taking it day by day because I just want to savor, enjoy, and live every moment. I want to document Lila with my heart and mind, not just my iPhone camera and Facebook.

Lila Gaia Pramudito, please be nice to this inexperienced mother. I'm doing my best. I promise I am.


Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Brazos Bend State Park

Cuaca mulai sejuk di Texas. Akhir pekan jadi waktu yang tepat untuk mematikan televisi, keluar rumah, dan menikmati matahari serta angin sejuk. Maka akhir pekan lalu pergilah kami ke Brazos Bend State Park. Tiket masuk per orang $7. Anjing harus selalu diikat karena tempat ini terkenal dengan buaya-buayanya. 

Thursday, October 9, 2014

French Apple Tart

This post is a bragging post. Purely and solely intended to show that despite my past failures in making baked goods, this time I have actually succeeded. With flying colors, I might add. OK, so maybe Ina Garten deserves all the praises, but I made this with my own two hands with minimal clean up to the kitchen. I'm freaking proud of myself if you haven't detected that yet.

So here it is. French Apple Tart. Recipe by the Barefoot Contessa: Ina Garten's French Apple Tart

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Cold Beer
I haven't drunk beer in a long time. I mean even before I got pregnant. I had decided that I did not like its taste. Alcohol wise, I think the last thing I drank was margarita and it was a month before I got pregnant. I had wine here and there before pregnancy, but I mostly drank non-alcoholic drinks.

But now, now that I am 8 months pregnant, I really really want to drink beer. Super cold beer. Maybe a Shiner Bock or Blue Moon. Oh dear God, how I want beer. I'm not going to go all crazy with alcohol once the baby arrives since (hopefully) I'll be breastfeeding, but I will surely have that beer. Be it in the winter time, I am going to have that super cold beer. Maybe while having salmon sushi. That is definitely something to look forward to.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Big Belly Yoga

When everything else fails, this works. 

Pregnancy comes with backache, stabbing pain on the soles of the feet, and an all around tightness on the body. Oh, and the anxiety! Also the scattered thoughts and the need to just lie down. All. The. Time. 

Yoga -and I really am not trying to be a smart ass zen master here- has helped me through this pregnancy by just giving me the outlet to move slowly and mindfully. To just stretch and be OK with whatever I have running in my thoughts. I haven't gotten the meditation part quite right yet. And I'm not concerned about that because the more one fights the thoughts, the eager they are to invade the rest of the sane part of the brain. So I'm letting go. Let those thoughts come. I'm OK with not taking any action.

My most favorite poses during pregnancy are the downward dog, cat-cow, and pigeon. My camera battery ran out when I did the first two so I'll upload it tomorrow or when I feel like it. The baby seems to enjoy the movements so I guess I'll keep doing them until the moment I have to pop her out. 

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Pregnancy Rant - Because at One Point I Just Need to Accept That I'm Just Human

I am now in my 26th week. It's now obvious that I am indeed pregnant. Weight gained: 12 lbs. Some might say that is not a lot. I beg to differ. I'm 4'11" and used to weight 104 lbs. So it is actually quite a weight for me. 

I'm at the end of my second trimester. The trimester where it is mostly about sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. You're showing, but not too much and your energy is just off the roof. My mood used to be almost always terrific. Right now, though, I think I'm going downhill. I get irritated very easily, especially while driving (which is not good!). I've always been easily irritated by ignorance and impoliteness on the road, but now my tolerance level is just pretty damn low. And people are getting more stupid by the minute! I curse all the time. Sorry my unborn baby, but your momma has a foul mouth. We need to deal with this.

And other things irritate me too. I really don't want to dwell on this, making everything out of proportion, creating dramas that need not exist. But some people just really get on my nerve. And I worry about this because old wives' tale says that you cannot dislike someone so badly when you're pregnant lest your child turning to be exactly like them. And these people that get on my nerve were not my most favorite people before I got pregnant. But I used to be able to just brush off the things they do and put my mind elsewhere. It is not that easy now. I feel like just avoiding them and not interact with them at all. Unfortunately that is not possible. So I really really need to manage this emotion.

This rant is getting long and useless. And I feel big. I look big. Not that I care, but my back and feet do. I am not ready to have this baby yet (obviously!), but now I understand what other pregnant women are saying about pregnancy being tough. I think it's mostly the emotion. And how your feet hurt. And your back. And how there is no comfortable sleeping position. And have I mentioned the feet?

I hope better days are upon me. I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my pregnancy. I really do still want to enjoy it. I want to look big, round, and glowing.

Just like:

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Green Olive

Something magical happened yesterday. There was a heartbeat. Inside my tummy. The doctor said it came from something as big as a green olive. I love olives. All kinds of olives, especially the green ones. If that was not a miracle, I don't know what is.